Facebook, on a good day, is like hanging out with all of your friends at an awesome bar, on a bad day, it’s like hanging out with all your friends in a small car in mid-July stuck on the highway with no air conditioner.
Some of your friends are awesome and extremely interesting, you want to hang with them all day, but there are a couple of people that annoy the living life out of you and there is no real way to avoid them on Facebook. I’m sure you can’t think of them right now, but the list at the bottom is a compilation of the different types of friends that you have in your social network… Lets be honest here, how many do you really have? and how many of them are you?
The Coffee Addict:
This is the person that you meet at a random place and they give you the “I’m good, I’m sane, Add me as friends” vibe. When you add them in the afternoon they are the nicest people in the world – just like in real life. But come morning time, this person does a complete 180 twist, you look at their facebook and their status is something along the lines of “IF I DON’T GET COFFEE NOW I WILL BITE THIS PUPPY’S FACE OFF!!!” and it doesn’t get any better from there. 4 cups later and they are still asking for more.
I’m sure you have many of these people on your friend’s list; these are the ones that actually treat their Facebook friends as a “family.” Every morning, they feel like it’s their duty to say “Good morning Facebook Fam!” Or “Hellow I’m awake! It’s a new day! Today is an awesome morning!” Usually this person is also the same one that 2 minutes after posting the “good morning” status explodes in rage trying to get their coffee.
This user has never posted anything, they don’t comment on anything, but instead they like to take notes on your life. When you finally do see them they instantly start to bring up things about your facebook profile. A conversation with a person like this in real life would go like: Hey Steve how are you? – Oh hey man! I’m doing awesome, did you get your tire fixed? I saw the pictures on Facebook, I also read your mom’s status, is her foot healed?
Often times, not even you know what in the heck is going on, you can’t even remember half of the things you post.. but this person has them all stashed away for future reference.
A Hyena Facebook user will NEVER say a single word… they don’t say anything constructive… and when they comment is usually just LOL, LMAO, ROFLMAO, HAHA. Don’t be alarmed when you meet a Hyena in the Facebook jungle, just ignore it and walk away or you’ll be stuck with it for the rest of the evening… *Update Status – Lost my car keys today* – LOL HAHA ROFLMAO! <- that’s when you’ll know you met a Hyena.
It’s estimated that you can only keep up with about 30 friends at any given time, if you’re very very smart, then you can go up to 60. The popular user however, has over 4,000 friends… half of them don’t even talk to him/her, they don’t even remember them. Usually you go out to parties, meet some person and instantly add them to the list. When They finally reach the 5k limit they usually put up a status that says: – I have to many friends, like my status or I’ll delete you…when this hapens only about 10 people actually like the status – and most are family members.
I’m not talking about that one guy who likes to play Call of Duty all day long, oh no, this “gamers” are a different breed of gamers, they play Words With Friends all day, they are the ones that are trying to have the largest Farm, they are the ones that are in the toughest Mafia on Facebook, these are the same people that send you hundreds of virtual cakes and virtual flowers… all day long… usually while they are work.
This is usually a gamer that hates their job so much they only go there to play Facebook games, but it also includes people that hate happy things and life. They hate everything from puppies, flowers, rainbows, hell they even hate themselves. Every one of their status is usually something like: “I woke up and had the worst f**king breakfast, I got a free continental breakfast and a back rub while I was eating it but the eggs were in the wrong side of the plate, then I got $1,000 as a gift but they didn’t give me more.”
Yes, You know exactly who this is, this is the person that is a member of about 10,000 different groups, likes about 10,000 other pages, and has a whole bunch of random crap around their entire page. They are like the aggregators of random stuff of facebook.
This is the guy that sends you information about useless things, every single event that he gets invited too he sends out to all of his friends. He’s usually a collector. This guy can be an awesome person for when you’re trying to get more cows on Farmville, the Gamers usually depend on the Promoter to get more neighbors on their farms.
This is the user that posts bible verses on the regular basis, this is also the reason you don’t go to church since he practically gives you more bible verses than an actual Preacher during Sunday sermon… this is also the person who stays at home on Sundays and never even goes to church.
They never actually say anything, like the Hyena, these people just Like things, it doesn’t matter what your post or picture is about, they just click it. As a way of saying, oh hey I’m still here; I just liked your post. This is the least amount of effort that they can do on Facebook.
If you’ve seen the Riddler from Batman, then you know exactly what I’m talking about here. These people just update their statuses with random things like: “I don’t know what to tell you, but this is going to be bad” you never really know what they’re talking about. Usually they do this to try and get other people to comment on their statuses. 20 comments later and you’re still like “WTF are you talking about!”
The Drama Queen/King:
This person always puts up things like, “I can’t believe this Sh88t” or “You think you’re better than me? We’ll see about that!” Usually they are confused with the Cryptic users, but you really have to pay attention to their statuses to really figure out which of them they are. If they say things like, “I hate my parents so much” then they are probably the Drama Queens. They just want to get the attention…. Like the Cryptics.
If they were trying to run away from the police, these people would be caught in an instant. They always keep you updated on what they are doing. A series of status from they would go like: I just woke up! – Walking to the kitchen to make breakfast, *picture of the kitchen* I’m in the kitchen making eggs! … *Picture of Eggs* Yum! – Walking back to the room to get dressed for work – *picture of work clothes* this is what I’m wearing…. Well you get the point.
The Night Owl:
This is the person that has to say goodnight at the end of the freaking night, after they post the status they wait for 10 minutes waiting for a reply… if nothing they erase the status and post it again… hoping that someone will say “good night” back to them.
The News Anchor:
I love getting the news from Facebook, they are always up to date, but these people are over kill, like the collector, these guys collect news from all over the place. The only problem is that they don’t post a link back to the article… so usually I get something like : “The president of a country out in the other side of the world died from something today, that was horrible!” you’re sitting there wondering what the heck jut happened and rush over to Yahoo news to see if you can find it.